14 Days
In 2023 I was finally admitted. Something that I never thought would happen to me but it did.
I never thought that I would need to be in a mental institution. I always thought that I was in some sort of control, until I wasn't.
The world became unbearable, humans became the enemy, the world became everything I detest. This uncontrollable beast that was against me. Always, and relentlessly. The day came that I completely fell apart. My rage took over, I needed to destroy it all. To prove them all right, even for a moment, and I would be the one in power.
These images are my Testament to my progress, from day 1 to day 14 while in this institution. I managed to take images in a space where I wasn't allowed, but in reality, within those walls, it was closer to my own world, than the one outside. The world I was never apart of, the one I was never been allowed in.
I was finally diagnosed with severe ADHD, depression and anxiety. I suffer from auditory over-stimulation, which prevents me from functioning within certain spaces such as restaurants and shopping centres, as well as touch over-stimulation. I have now had to change the clothing I wear, as well as get ear plugs, to block the outside world from the world within myself. All of this so I can be in a place of control.
For once.
The following text I was asked to write by the physiologist, just before I was discharged.
Where was I when I came in:
When I walked in the doors I was a black cloud. The ones you see over the ocean. Alone angry and ready to burst. I had death Metal on my ears, a heart chard and burnt, with all the nerve endings exposed. That dark cloud was alone. Not in being, but in thought. It felt as if I was a mirage over the ocean, the type that lures sailors to their death. Any person that came close became engulfed in that rage, willing or not they were the enemy.
What I have learnt:
Unlike photographs, my life felt black and white, but much like those photographs there is grey, there's grain, there is texture. There is more to the immediacy of sight. as I look closer at the world and it's more grey, not in the bland uninviting way but the way that makes the world come alive. I have learnt that I'm not that cloud, I'm a Cirrocumulus cloud, more part of the world than I thought. Even though I am different, I am more alive than I've ever thought. I've learnt that I'm in control of this landscape. I am the one that feels, that doesn't pause, but should. I have learnt that the feeling of water over my hands can feel like sex, and the texture of jeans is dappled, consistent and calming. I've seen the world is something that can be more positive and negative and every degree of latitude and longitude between.
What more is there to do:
Practice. As everything I've become good at, being repetitive and consistent is the way. As they said in some of the classes it's a journey not a destination. This journey will be hard, hit with rough seas, and glass Ocean's. Being in the present, being mindful, and most importantly allow the water in the boat, when needed. But bucket it out when sinking. I cannot wait until I have sank, to start. There are oceans to cross, and I cannot do that while under the water. The test being tomorrow. As a sailor prepares, I am prepared. I will make mistakes, but I have learnt how to use that bucket. There is water in my by boat, which I need to regulate everyday. My arms may get tired but I will build muscle to lift that water, even when it's raining.
I would just like to say a huge thank you to all the staff at this institution. From the physiologists, to the kitchen staff, and of course my beautiful wife for admitting me, you have all helped me to where I am. I am slowly crossing the ocean, and I could never have done this without the people that helped build my boat.